Postpartum Journey

Postpartum is something no mom can prepare you for. No matter how many stories you here, pictures you see, no one can prepare your heart and soul for the emotional journey you are about to enter. The saying when you have a child ” your heart now lives outside your body” is a complete understatement. Try your entire world, hopes, dreams, being, now lives in this world and you created it. What an absolute blessing but oh my what an absolute fear. ( Lets not forget the physical journey as well, but that for the most part is understood.)

Let’s be honest here, this page is all about being real and getting in touch with my inner self. I have struggled all my life with image issues, anxiety, and all the fun ups and downs that comes with that. On top of that, I can be hyper sensitive to emotional situations. Yes, I have flaws, and lots of them. Here I am laying them all out and picking through them one by one. You think you finally have done your self work and then you have a child, and life laughs at you. Now who am I? Postpartum has made me extremely aware that I need to do some inner self reflection and figure this out to better myself and to better the life of my sweet child.

My Journey began with an easy pregnancy. For that I am so reluctant and feel so blessed. I had read all the books, prepped way ahead of time, had everything ready. My water broke and I calmly decided I’m going to take a shower quick and just relax for a minute. ( Side note, I’m not a calm human being, so I definitely took that calm moment and ran with it) My mental game was ready for the hard part: labor. Hah like that was the hard part. Little did I know that on the other side of all that hard work I was leaving Callie behind and welcoming home Callie. Sounds odd? Let me explain.

Welcoming our little 8lb 9oz babe to the world was hands down one of the proudest moments of my life. He is everything and more. Moms you know the feeling, you know the love that overwhelms you and wraps your soul. What I could not control were the never ending thoughts of what happens if something happens to my husband. I was overcome by irrational fear. Fears that made no sense, I cried, I couldn’t bond with my son, I needed my mom. Who was this person, where did the prepared Callie go? Postpartum is serious folks. It slapped me in the face and ripped me to pieces. It came in waves of I’m totally fine to what am I going to do I can’t stay in this frame of mind. I was spinning in a circle and drowning in my mind. I remember coming home and asking my husband, “Will I ever be normal again?” I remember thinking how can this loving patient man put up with this whirlwind tornado I have become. My mom basically moved in for a month. I am so grateful for the experience that it gave my mom and the time it gave me to heal. I am so embarrassed it took me so long to figure this new life out. My poor husband put on the back burner, my emotional outbursts. My poor sweet little babe who I felt that I was letting down. Through all of this I had a support team. It was hard for me to have no control over my emotions, to be so raw in front of everyone. I have spent a good chunk of my life building walls up around me. Control has always been strong factor in my life. I need control to feel secure and I don’t usually flash around my weakest emotions to the public. I saw a counselor to help me understand that I wasn’t crazy but dealing with some severe postpartum anxiety. She was so kind and reassuring. If you personally are battling similar issues, know that it is completely normal and a side effect of becoming a mom. Feel every emotion for what it is, your feelings are valid.

Anxiety sucks, it changes you, it sucks the life from you. For those who think anxiety is an excuse or for the weak minded, think what you want. For those suffering with anxiety, you do not owe these people the time of day if they cannot empathize. Hey it’s not a cut for those who don’t understand, its just a reminder that everyone is different and has their own issues that make up who they are. Do not judge someone as you have no idea what they are going through or have been through. Postpartum is minor in comparison to many things, but its still real. I am grateful I have gone through the trials and tribulations that anxiety has dealt me. I’m choosing to look at my postpartum journey as a point in my life that broke me down to build me into the person I needed to be for my son. To build me and mold me into the wife I need to be for my husband. I never wanted my son to see the person I was during those first few months. I was and sometimes still am embarrassed. Although looking at it from new perspective, I am glad to share it with him. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Emotions are real. It’s learning to handle those feelings, process the emotions, and eventually let it go. I’m learning to let go.

Disclaimer: I am by no means a take the bull by the horns kinda gal in everyday life. I do not have my life together. I tend to lean to the negatives of what ifs and poor me. I am writing this to show myself that it’s okay to be weak minded and lose the battle to yourself here and there. I am also writing this to remind myself to remember there is only one life and its time to start making it the best day each day.

Postpartum is not for the weak of heart but it makes your heart weak and it rebuilds you. I am discovering just how much fun being a mom is. I’m rediscovering myself through my son’s eyes. I am learning things about myself that I would have never known. For this journey I am so very blessed. To my sweet child, I Thank You.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

-Mother Teresa